28 aug: Selfish man

I always Suspected I can't really count on my husband to chip in long term over the baby. He's just too selfish a person and his obsessive need to have "me time" to unwind just grates on my nerves. If he helps, it has to be when he feels like it and not when u ask (too often). He will get irritated and snappish. Excuse me, do I look like I'm So free? When he has chance to sleep he don't and do fucking things like F.B n you tube. He claims he wants n need time to do his chinese but almost everytime I pass his room he is surfing Internet or reading FB. 

That's why I never wanted kid for the longest time. I knew it will mostly fall back on me. He was good for a while in the 3rd month after the CL left but very quickly his selfish nature pops out. The feeding, the cleaning, the taking charge of maid, the grocery planning, the meal planning, the washing of All the bottles pumping equip n storage bottles for every feed, the bathing, the changing nappy, the cleaning of baby like nail clipping, putting baby to Sleep, basically everything from morn to Night. I frankly think not much difference from single mum except I got a maid to cook n clean.

I don't get why I even need to Open my Mouth to get him to clean the bottles when I pump or feeding baby or put baby to sleep. He gives me that irritated look

At time or he just sit on the request for hours n when I remind him he becomes annoyed. Fucker. So now I just clean them myself. He sees that I have finish bathing baby n the water tub is still there, he won't even lift a finger to automatically pour it away. He just walk away and then take his kindle to read n now nap. I had a good mind of leaving the fucking tub there but since I want to shower I might as well throw the water out. But am I resentful, of course I am. 

Just over the weekend I got hit by mastitis n had fever n chills n needed to rest. Sure he "volunteer " to take over looking after baby for night shift but the price? 3 days later he snap at me exclaiming he is very frustrated because he has "no time" to do his own things. Fucker. U think I been idling? I m sick I still have to chase tenant for money and look after household, pump milk, wash bottles help to bath baby etc. I didn't rest much either. So this snappish exchange took place and I just walk out of the room with baby to bath him n the fucker was more than happy that he didn't need to help bath the baby. 

So here I am battling the need to restore my milk supply after it went down by half after I started my antibiotics, while he shamelessly kept to Himself in the study room. 

All this panick sudden drive that he wants to master his chinese. Hello, I told u to

Learn mandarin from day 1 I met you since a decade plus ago. You sat on it for years and do causal private lessons last two years and suddenly u want to master it to have fluent conversation in a month? I don't get it. I seriously don't even want to engage him on the topic n I told him to

Look into schools rather than unstructured private lessons. He blame me for not talking to him in mandarin. Well who talk to me in Japanese when I learned it? I have told him he needs to watch chinese drama or video or tv to expose himself but he thinks they are stupid n refuse. I said that's how I learn but he just won't do it n it's my fault? 

Anycase, basically I just go into work function mode pretending my husband does not exist when it comes to the baby. If the baby has to drink formula if I fall sick again so be it. It's his lot in life that he has a selfish father. There's omg so much mum can stretch herself n it's unfortunate that grandma is equally useless to help out. As the saying goes, 求人不如求己. 

I guess this is all those years of project management from work comes into good use. 

Been a month and life is back to norm since mum gone back

Been a month since my mum went back and life is so peaceful. Apart from the occasional cockup by my helper, things are running like clockwork again. I think everyone at home basically slept better without this constant pressure from mum. 

For one. I need not force myself to eat lunch at a fix time having to consider my mum. She doesn't want to eat many things my maid cook (not because its not nice but she just dont like her) and it's so obvious. Initially I felt bad and tried to accommodate her but gradually her attitude wore me down and I let her be. 

Secondly she was playing or addicted to her phone games so much that it really irritate me when she would be so anti Social even during meal time when we try to have conversations

Thirdly  The pressure is off me suffering from my mum attitude towards my maid. No more complaints n nagging everyday. She will say she didn't say or do anything but please we are not blind and deaf to her tone and expression. My maid never complained or say anything bad about my mum but my mum on the other hand went bitching about my maid to our HK relatives and of course my brothers AND relatives back in sg. 

To my brother I expected her to do so coz it's just her. But to my HK relatives on your second time meeting them when they invite you over to their home to welcome u to HK? Come on. You have no EQ or that u must air every single grievances about your life to everyone you meet the first time u meet them. How about taking a chill pill? Can't u tell my relatives don't rely care n just making polite conversation?? The weirdest thing was people invited u to their home to have lunch n you rush thru your rice and walk away from the dining table with no regards that other people are still eating n having conversations. How rude can u be?? My poor relatives were abit caught out and rushed through lunch too so to keep her company. It's moments like this I want to Roll my eyes. Where is your social skills? U r so use to doing things your own way you don't even know how to behave at other people's home? I bet none of your so call frens ever invited u over because half the time u are always complaining about what they did wrong to u. 

Anycase my brother of course will side my mum and thinks the worse of my helper. I don't know if mum sprout any rubbish to him and he got sick of listening. 

I recently posted the fact that my mum told my maid to keep prawn in sugar before freezing. I thought it was funny because I forgot my mum had that habit. It wasn't even an accusing post, just a factual post that I saw my maid dutifully following mum instructions n I asked her wat she was doing. To me, she was just being obedient doing wat mum taught her. However my brother saw it differently. He saw it as my maid pointing finger at my mum and blaming her. So he sent me a text to say to tell me to tell my maid to unlearn everything mum taught her and he don't want to hear anything about wat mum says coming out of her fucking mouth. I was like WTF? 

When did my maid offend you? It has been us putting up with mum eccentric behaviour and u make it sound like my maid has been backstabbing mum? I told him my maid never spoke ill of mum once despite the fact both me n my hubby overheard mum talking loudly n not very politely to her so many times. Of course my mum will deny it because she has no mirror to reflect upon herself. In fact for the first month she was here, she will tell me not to get irritated with mum coz she's old already. So wat does my brother know? Nothing except bad stories from my mum who loves to play the victimised party as always. Always her so wronged by others.

Anycase my brother was calling my maid stupid since mum is back sg and don't know how to do things her own way. The problem is he DoEs NOT know it was mum who scold her so much n complain to me maid is stubborn if she even dare tell mum that I give her different instructions.  I did tell the maid at the beginning to learn from mum thinking mum would teach her but of course my mum never teaches her properly. So if my maid do things own way, she's stubborn, if she follow mum she is stupid? Wat fucking logic is that? I tell him how I know wat mum teach her? She likes to override my instructions. I have seen it so many times myself but I didn't want to pick a fight everyday so I just let it slide. Plus things like mum insist my maid to use hand to mix the sauces with the meat, my maid prefer to use spoon. My mum got upset and complain to me when I walk into kitchen that my maid is stubborn. I told mum later in private that the maid is not wrong to use spoon since it's more hygienic. Plus she do housework what if she didn't wash her hands properly and touch my food? So I support her using spoon. Mum won't happy of course. 

I see no point in talking sense to my brother. So I said fine. I had already told my maid to ignore wat mum taught her anycase. She just wanted to verify with me sometimes before she change. I dont see wat is wrong with that. 

My mum would complain my CL left a bag of herbs without telling her wat they are or wat to do. Then she hersel left a big bag of herbs n never leave instructions either. When I text her wat are they and how to use, again she just say "oh that bag is cheap stuff your CL bought. Mine are fresh n better" it's like talking to a fucking wall. I ask u wat are they n how to use, never ask you which is the one u bought. 

Also, my maid steam broccoli my mum apparently told her she cannot do that must stir fry. When my maid bought this fish to cook my mum also scold her say I don't eat this fish (which we did n I quite like it)

My mum would also be the one who refill my thermal flask every day n night. Then one day I discover the thermal flask water was not Boiled. I asked mum if she was the one who filled the flask. She hesitatingly said yes n when I told her wat happen, her immediate response was " no it wasn't me, it's your maid" I kept quiet. She turn around n went to call my maid and "told her your mistake" my maid was like "huh? When did I boil water?" I didn't even want to expose my mum. For that day my mum was like "best fren" with my maid joking n chatting with her...after making her the patsy. 

Before she left, she insisted on giving my boy red packet. I was like don't need but she insisted that its for him to buy shoes and its chinese customs. I hate all these BO liao customs. I open the red packet and she gave like freaking HK$2000. I was like huh? Wtf? Why so much? 

I try to return her the money but she refused. I told her I will take hk500 but she was like no no must insist on the 2000. I told her she's not working n no reason to waste so much money and plus give so much only give us pressure that we must return her the same big sum later. She refused of course. Just so irritating. I told her my in laws will just give token sum and we are use to that style. Why must everything revolve round giving big lump of money? So stressful. In the end she took back 1000 only after I say I will go back CNY. Need to think about that... 

Even like when she went to our HK relatives house, she must give red packet before she left coz she say never bring anything over and stun my relatives so much. On my hubby side, everyone is big family n close knitted n eating together is a family affair but mum has to bring her "money" concept to everything. Plus this meal was to welcome mum n to thank my hubby for his lunch treat for my boy 100 days. So it's like a reciprocal thank u but mum of course don't get it. She will never get it since she basically fall out with almost every single relatives we have. Always my uncle or my aunt fault. Strangely my bro will side with her too on this. I was like hello? One aunt fell out with her on holiday coz mum thinks my aunt looks down on her "no money" and so my mum started quarrelling with her n my cousin step in and ask my mum "why r u shouting at my mum?" My mum got offended even more n say the daughter gang up on her. I was like please, any daughter in general seeing someone yelling at her mum will first response defend own mum right? Even when I disagree with you most of the time but if someone yell at u I would also defend u first right?!! So because of "her pride" she cut off her sister completely. Crazy right even after 10 years. She forgot how my aunt would used to call us n even send many toys to me from the states like smurf cabbage patch kid etc. mum never rem good things people do always the bad stuff.

Another thing that pissed me off was just before she left, my cousin was in HK n wanted to visit the baby n we arrange to come at 2pm. That's when baby will be awake after feeding n good mood. Just nice before he nap. I told mum to go meet her at ifc and take the mini bus back since I can't go fetch my cousin. The whole morn she insists that must bring my cousin to eat dumpling soup coz they always want to eat but dunno where. 

I told her don't bother. She's a grown adult in uni and travelling with bf. With Internet n guide book she knows where to eat. Mum act all bossy and say "she dunno one! I watch her grow up so I tell you she dunno where to go." I silently text my cousin "u need mum to take u go eat dumpling soup first?" 

My cousin wrote back immediately and say no no! They have a list of places they want to try n they will settle own lunch. So I told mum "she say don't need. People already adult told u they know how to plan" mum kept quiet. 

She left on time about 1pm to fetch them. She say she want to walk around first. I waited at home till 3pm+ n I had no choice to put baby to sleep at 2.30Pm. My cousin text me To say they are at dumpling soup place as my mum"want" to eat there. Bloody hell. 

So when they come, I woke the baby to feed so he can play with cousin . My

Mum showed them the apartment n my rooftop God knows for fuck why and I was told 10mins later after I woke my baby from his slumber my cousin need to leave. U know how fucking piss I was? 

First u mess up my plans by insisting on the fucking dumpling place. Then u didn't tell me they have to rush off n I woke my cranky baby for nothing. My cousin came to visit the baby not apartment viewing. What's wrong with you??? I repeat, my cousin asked to see the baby, not visit u.  So again my mum pissed me off with her "I must do things my way" with no consideration for others.

Of course there was this tomato incident. I don't even want to go there. 

Well. My brother thinks my maid is some evil troublemaker that mum seems to

Suffer under while she's here.  We shall see when my in laws come. If my in law has no issues with my maid then it only proves once again my mum IS the one that is nitpicking. 

The other day my HK relative came to visit baby n she was having difficult putting her shoes without undoing the strap. My maid saw and she just automatically move forward to help wear the shoe for my relative (she's relatively old now) . This kind of thing cannot fake one I think n she don't earn any bonus points trying to Impress my relative

And my mum likes to tell fibs and create trouble. For a few times she cause me n my hubby to quarrel or almost quarrel. Example: I told my mum to ask my hubby to come feed the baby as I need to pump. She took the baby with her while I prepare the poo diaper change.  She come back without a word. I waited for 10 mins after changing nappy n ask mum where's my hubby? She said oh he's busy. I was like busy with what? Mum say oh don't disturb him lah. That's why mothers are the greatest blah blah n her story of how my dad never help. I have no patience to listen and so I rush to feed the baby n off to pump. 

Just as I finished my hubby came in n ask "u finish feeding? I thought I'm feeding him?" I was almost angry n snapped that my mum went to call him n he said he wasn't free! My hubby was like shock n said "I never said that!!!! U know I will def come if u need help. Ur mum just carry the baby walk into the room n say "oh see wat ur daddy is doing" I just look up at her n ask her yes? She just walked out. So my mum just took it into her hands that my hubby don't have to help n then LIE to me that my hubby say he's busy. 

Another LIE. When she first came she keep questioning my milk supply n in her head thinking because I don't have engorement (anymore) I must not have milk. I had told her to shut up on this point before and then she keep trying to cook things I don't eat n then say " u must eat to increase milk supply coz your CL say u not enuff milk" 

Now, my CL will never n has never said things like that to me. She has always been encouraging n assure me I have enough. So I asked my CL n she was shocked n exclaimed she has never said such things to my mum!!! See what I mean by my mum being a pot stirrer n full of shit?

Another lie was she keep complaining my CL use instant sauce but she will quietly use instant sauce herself like the sweet and sour pork sauce. She knows I hate her using those chicken powder that she puts in soup and so she thinks she puts in different bottle I will not know. I just keep throwing out and so she cannot make her "chciken" soup like normal people do without adding synthetic stuff into it. Worse was I caught her opne the packet sauce and left it in the cupboard with half packet left. WTF? In 36 degrees u dont fridge it because u fear getting caught out in your lie but u rather risk giving me food posioning with sauce that is not refrigerated after opening? What is wrong with you?!!! In the end I tell her dont cook at all. I cant even trust my own mum when it comes to food prep and she will complain about my maid not cleaning the fish well so she refuse to eat. I tasted the fish and it tasted fine. Plus its the fish monger who remove the inside not her. Why blame the maid? And finally i snap at my mum and say to her "You think you everyday eat hawker center those people clean your food very cleanly meh? I dont see you stop eating outside if "unclean food" disgust you so much" She kept quiet of course. 

Plus she is such a superstitious person it annoys me to no end. You know how baby will start to play saliva bubbles and drool when they get older as part of teething process? So I put a bib round him one day to prevent him dirtying his clothes and it helps that he doesnt stick his fingers into the mouth when the bib is in place. Suddenly one day my mum accusingly reprimand me saying "It's all your fault that he drool so much." I was like huh? What did I do? She continued "Who ask you put a bib round his neck the other day and that is why he starts to drool. Now u trying to make me feel like a bad mouth with your STUPID ILLOGICAL ideas? Retaining all these rubbish theories.  What planet do u come from???

People dont get why my mum upsets me so much and this is just a snippet of what I have to go thru daily for 2 months. She just wants her way and if her way works i dont mind but it doesnt. She has a head full of nonsense and backward or illogical thinking and expect me to follow them. She doesnt even rem how to change a diaper properly and she wants to teach me? 

I rem she was giving sideline commentary etc about how I'm not changing my diaper "correctly" in her eyes and I got fed up and told her u think u so good u try. She made a MESS out of it and 10mins still couldnt get it right. I had to take ovr and finish in 2 mins. Only then she said "oh u made it look so easy." I just bite back my tongue from saying that so u admit u been sprouting rubbish from the sidelines for weeks?? When I ask her feed the baby once..it was nitemare causing my baby such distress and wet his clothes completely and I never ask her to feed again. Oh she blame me too for that saying its my fault I didnt screw the cap properly. 

I dont even want to go into other details because its so tiring even trying to recall them. It suffice that my mum creates more friction when she is here and it was only the last week when she was leaving that she became more useful though she still like to hide in the kitchen and waste hours in there. Again, I dont even want to go into details as to what she does in there that annoys me. 

The final point is that we don't miss her because she hasn't been much help with the baby.. She always try to put him to sleep when we say not time yet n goes against our wishes n so in the end we don't let her carry when we don't want him to Sleep. Eventually we only ask her to carry because it's to satisfy her not because we need her to. To the point that her departure didn't even cost a dent in our routine and in fact I sleep so much better without my mum making so much noise in the kitchen at 5+-6am. She just do not know how to be quiet. Now I can sleep till past 7.30am till baby wakes. Glorious

If only it wasnt true...

Recently  I received a bombshell from my good old fren and it wasnt a news I wanted to hear.

For months now, I have had a premonition and vibe that something doesnt seem right about my fav couple and I even told my man that I have a nagging fear that they might have done the unthinkable. My man told me there's nothing much I could do, esp all the way from HK and since its a personal thing, all we can do is wait for them to spring any updates on us.

I felt uneasy but my man was right. There really isnt anything I can do, since my last heart to heart talk with my gf on my last trip back to Sg, which is like a year ago. All I can do is wait but that's the thing about instinct, u cant shake them off.

Today my gf texted me to do a favor for her.
I said ok and as I was chatting with her via text, I updated her on the latest news on my newborn and she said she has news to share too.

My first response was "i hope its not what I feared."
She said " What do u think it is"
I told her "I dont want to guess. Just tell me."
Seriously, NO ONE WANTS to guess bad news.

She wrote back "We separated"
Ok, the bombshell dropped and while shocking, it didnt surprise me since I had that nagging feeling for months.

I told her we are sad about it, but I respect the fact that she must have thought about it before acting on it and ask her if she was ok. Of course, being such an old fren of mine, I told her if she needed to talk about it, I'm happy to call her but I will not ask her any questions because I dont want to be a hassle, or probe into her privacy like a KPO. I told her if I dont ask further isnt because I dont care, but rather I respect her space and need for privacy, though I told her I do have a million whys but I will let her tell me in good time when she is ready.

I asked if she was ok.
She said she is fine but not her husband.

I'm not surprised.
They have been together for over 2 decades, it cannot be easy.

When I shared the news with my man, he was pretty sad about the outcome too. We are hoping that they will reconcile...but since my last conversation with her...the outcome seemed irreversible though both are still seemingly amicable towards each other.

The last I rem, the trigger point was the fact that the MIL was pushing them for a baby. Her hubby was keen to have one too but she wasnt. She did try initially to consult an OB but somewhere along the line, she realised she REALLY dont want a kid. However, she knows her man does and she thot it wasnt fair for her to hang on to him if she cannot give him what he wants

I told her to think about it because I dont think he will leave her just because he like to have a baby, after 20 years+ of marriage, this is the sort of thing that you talk about in the early years of marriage. I cant imagine anyone splitting up in the good old vintage years of life over this issue. Of course the other issue they had was that he was away on long projects overseas and she said she had gotten used to him not being around. That was something I have no answer for.

My life motto, and something I learnt from my breakup with my ex, is that you dont live apart from each other for over a year and expect your relationship to remain unchanged. Whether it's marriage or relationship, long distance can often be a killer. It's not always about 3rd party, but distance does cause drift because either party can form a new social life, lifestyle without the other person. That's why my life motto "Whereever you go, I go too." No career, no other reasons can make me stay if your partner is really who u want to be with for the rest of your life. If I'm destined to takre a crappy job or be jobless, so be it. I find emotional fulfillment more important than financial independence. Good thing I'm not an overly driven person...something that my husband joked about time to time. He sometimes commented that its a waste that I stay home and be a housewife when he knows I can do very well in many thing I want to do. Even my ex boss told me once that he thinks its a waste that I chose to "stay at home and be housewife". But the thing is, it's my choice and I'm happy with the choice I make. People like to make jokes about "oh i'm a tai tai" They seemed to think that I do nothing but live a eat, travel shop life which is further than the truth.

Sure I do travel whenever my man feels like he has enough stress at work. Other days, I busied myself running the household chores, taking care of nitty griity aspect of our lives, chase down crappy tenants, deal with stupid banks, and any paper works or stuff to help my man. I havent had a manicure for years, not a facial for a decade, havent shop for years...but I'm happy.

Now with a little one in tow, a whole new project has sprung up on me and running on sleep deficit for months...this is even more challenging to be stay at home mum than any job in the world. There is no proper break (if u discount all the hours that my man chipped in to give me sleep time). U need to be on top of the game all the time since the little one depends everything on you.

While its funny seeing the little one grow, frankly, I do miss my child free life. I wont say I would trade this or that but seriously, unless you really have the heart and soul to want to do it, having a child is really not for everyone. It does creates friction between couples because of different styles & expectations and "speed" of doing things. It will be worse if you have a difficult baby which thankfully we dont. Still, the million things u have to do for the little one is crazy not to mention the hours and sleepless days and night pumping milk and feeding the LO. It's sooo OMG. My man now "dictates" that I have to stop breastfeeding by 6 months because he doesnt want to see me being sleep deprived for so long and not having a life of my own. It's almost sad that even grocery shopping can be such a delicious break. Going out now is like a mini project each time, revolving round feeding time and milk pumping time... sigh... I feel like there is an invisible chain tying me home.

I seriously look forward to our next first trip away. Though unfortunately we have no family member to dump our kid to for our private date nights. Now the closest "date" night is always being at home while the baby sleeps and we tiptoe out to living room to watch Tv together or something.

I wish my friends wont have split over the decision of a baby.
It's really sad....
A baby will bring u a different lifestyle, life aspect and emotions but seriously... to split from your lifetime partner over this is rather tragic decision esp after 20 years together.

I hope. I pray. That someone one will have a change of heart and they will get back together.