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Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Dusty Memory of someone.

Do u have those days where the least expected people appeared in your dreams? Making it weirder, 2 of the least expected people who doesnt know each other but inexplicably linked in some ways continuously popped into my deep sleep.Am feeling rather restless these few days. Dunno why. Just one of those "stuck in a rut" feeling...

Just read about 'lex's dad who passed away recently in FB. My thoughts are with him. Afterall, he is perhaps singularly the only few rare people, who has always been in sync as to how my brain works. Well technically I am not even sure if we are still counted as friends since we havent spoken for a long while now. Once in a blue moon, there is occasional email correspondence. Almost as rare as the next dinosaur find.

Truth is, 'lex has been the nicest, sweetest chap and I probably have to 'fess up that I probably havent been fairest to him. He is prob the only guy ever in my historical dating past (not that its that many anyway..) that I owe an apology to, even if we are on neutral grounds now.

The last time when we met in a group gathering, I had pretended superficially all was fine, or at least I felt that way. We never talked about what happened, or rather what didnt happen, or what made me walk away. I still remember how very very strange it was, sitting there, chatting, laughing with the rest present. All the while, with our fragile charade going on full steam ahead while the rest remained absolutely clueless about it.

What had made us clicked, was how we were always able to read each other minds so clearly and actions in sync without having to rehearse our act. Funnily, the only time our brains miscued was the "very first time we met" and the "last time we spoke". I still rem he told me that he had tried to get me out on a date and that failed on him utterly. It's a pity mind synchronisation doesnt always work out.

Jealousy is a strange foreign emotion, at least for me. It doesnt happen to me very often. Have I been lucky? Probably. I never had ever need to be jealous of anything nor anyone until u are immerse in a relationship.

The first time the green eye monster hit me, I confronted this jealousy in unexplainable rage. Thinking back, that insane jealousy was irrational but funny. Yet the episode was something to learn from.

The 2nd time it hit me, I was older. I dealt with it with an uber cool exterior facade even when it was eating me up inside out but I wasnt gonna admit to it, nor let anyone see my torment. This jealousy was warranted, overly-rationalised and yet, definitely wasted.

The 3rd time it hit me, perhaps where now I am a tad too logical for love. This time, when jealousy surfaced, I subdued it by irrationally wrapping everything up faster than one can blink... I dont think either of us saw this ending coming, definitely not him. I never once questioned if I had made the decision rightly, we have gone beyond that. Yet mildly, it's peppered with occasional sense of guilt and apologies. I dont know if I did him a favor, or caused him unnecessary heartache. Whatever it was, it was never my intention to make him sad then. Funny how one action will change 2 person's whole life course. My gf had asked me causally some time back, if we were still in contact. When I said no, she told me that she thought it was better decision this way. He's a great chap, just not my chap. There is a saying, some people and some past are really best laid to rest as much as possible.

Whenever the memory of our last conversation should choose to resurface in those rare moments, his last questioning expression, unsaid words will still "haunt" me. Maybe that's why I am still on the run. Running and avoiding his peace offer to have that catch-up drink to date. I might sum up the courage one day, just not today. Cowardly perhaps but I know his sunshine smile will only draw up my guilt. Everytime I pass by Canele, flashes of him will always come to mind combined with a tinge of sadness for that split second. Some calls it retribution. I wonder if it's just me...does he avoid eating at the place like I do now?

Hey at least I know with relief that he has found his other deserving half. Not that I ever doubted he will have any problems being who he is.

In life, they once said "You have a to kiss a few frogs to find your prince."
I think I had kissed a few princes too many in this lifetime.

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