15 Oct: Tired

So yesterday came and went. Mr was in good mood coz he didn't have to look after baby. 

While I was feeding baby lunch, he came to is and said "Daddy got himself a present. Guess what?" I have absolutely zero interest and honestly I just want to feed my son and then Rush to pump milk while baby good mood last. Seeing no reaction from me, he whip out the apple box and happily declared his new Apple iPhone. Wow jolly good for u. I'm glad at least one of us is happy and get to go shopping. Anycase the phone isn't for me why should I be happy. 

I merely asked politely so wat colour he has gotten. Silver he said. Ok I

Said. It was like an after thought that he asked me "oh u don't want yours yet right?" Yah I replied. My phone still working. 

So off I went to wash bottles n busy with baby and he hid himself in the study to install his brand new phone. Horray for u. 

He saw me getting the stuff to bathe baby at 5pm and he just came in to say hello n disappeared. Again, doesn't bother me since my son is pretty well behaved n contented with just me. We play with his toys in water and I carried him and let him have a "fake" swim in water after his bath. He likes his frog kicks this little one. 

After bath baby started to get cranky n it was sleep time. While I

Was putting baby to sleep, I heard his father took the bottles to wash. I decided I will stop saying thanks. I just carry on to prep baby next meal. Why bother to say thanks when it's not appreciated and I still get shouted at whenever u feel like it.  Plus I NEVER asked u to wash it. I could have wash the bottles myself after baby sleep. 

Apart from baby, now that his folks are coming, I, not him, have the job of getting the room ready, including changing the curtains to the proper blackout ones. Thats me hooking the curtains n hanging the fucking heavy thing. That's me clearing the cabinet to make space. That's me asking maid to change bedsheets and me washing all the sheets  n covers because my maid can't cope and she's very bad at multitasking. 

Night time came. It's me having to read n correct maid's meal list for next few days. It's me paying bills online. It's me reminding him to take baby car seat n pram out of car to make space for luggage. It's me putting baby to sleep and prep maid on wat to buy for grocery while he decides to go jogging. He asked me "oh wat day is our relatives arranging to take mum and dad out for lunch?" I replied "can't rem" if I had told u before n u can't rem, why is it still my job to remind u if I couldn't care less? I could check my phone since his relatives text me but I don't want to make that extra effort anymore. I don't see why I have to be your PA anymore since u gave me so much shit since we had the baby. In total I must have cried like at least 6 times over the last 6 months. U have shouted and made me cried in front of my maid on her first day at work, and basically I don't even have a shred of face value left. Why should I care about your face anymore? Ur relatives, u handle them even though I like them n they have been very nice to me.  

Anycase, I knew it will be a long night when the lite one refuse his dream feed at midnight. His last feed was 8.30pm and I knew he will wake in middle of the night from hunger. So I forgo my usual midnight pumping n went to bed at 1.30am after I put watever I wanted to cook in pots for tmw.

At 3.30am baby woke n so I crawled out of my half of my single bed n went to make milk. After I fed him and put him to

His cot, I went out to pump milk at 4am.i crawled back to sleep at 4.30am n baby kept me awake with his whimpering at 5.30am and while he fell back asleep at 6.30am, I got up at 7.30am to pump till 8am and started cooking baby breakfast.

I was hungry but no chance of eating if I need to clear my list. I dunno why the maid will hassle me instead of my husband for marketing money. Why she won't open her fuckinv mouth last night I don't know. So I had to waste time look for money for her.

At 8.30am, had to wake baby to feed him milk. He went back to sleep till 9.30am while I washed the bottles n prep extra pork broth for next few days to store in freezer.

I woke the lite one up but the shithead refuse to eat his solids today. I guess he is used to 2 hours interval. So I had to throw everything away and wash up. His father decided to wake earlier to say hi to baby n then went back his room to

Do watever he does. 

He came out at 10.30am n asked "do u need me to cook you breakfast?" Do I look stupid? If I say yes, then u will use it against me later. So I said No. I will cook mine later myself. He didn't insist m went to cook his own breakfast while I went to keep the folded clothes and wash baby laundry n wash the cooking pots since the maid never wash the pots properly n stains normally stay there so I rather scrub it clean myself. 

Baby was a fuss pot today n won't sit quietly so I had to strap him up in sling bag n carry him today while cooking. Not ideal but no choice. 

I was chatting with baby, put him in his high chair while eating. He happy watched me eat. I told him no going out today coz mummy busy. His father overheard and said "oh I can take him out later to starbucks or something" I just kept quiet. In my head I was thinking how to? Later lunch and milk is bath time. Where got time to take him out? Not like u r bathing him. I dunno why he decided to carry his son but I didn't say anything. I guess no work involved since I have already calm the baby down after carrying him while cooking. Now I'm eating n baby happily sitting in his chair, u decide u want to come carry him. How convenient. 

I went to get his milk n while the milk was warming, I went to put away bottles etc after sterilisation n continued to do laundry. He could just wait till I get back n not start feeding him even though he saw milk was ready. I just took baby from him n he went off. All these 2-3hours in the morn, he didn't even noticed I didn't say a word to him. 

My maid I don't even know why the stupid one always ask me wat time is my lunch when she knows she cannot have it ready by 12.30pm. She always takes 3 hours to come back so why fucking waste my breath!?! 

Baby fell asleep on his own at 12.30pm n so here I am sleep deprived n pumping though my eyes are screaming to shut them. But if I don't get this out in writing, I might seriously get sick from bottling everything in. This is my outlet. My sanity sanctuary. 

My husband decided to play mr nice again, and came to room to offer me a peeled prawn from lunch. Offered to take food to room for me. I said no to everything. I don't need u to show affection when u feel like it. I can take care of myself. I honestly don't need u. 

I just need sleep. Not food. But of course I will not say that because even if it's just a passing remark in conversation that I woke at 3am, u will use it against me like last time, saying that by telling u that forces u to feel guilty that u r obliged to help with baby. So to me, I'm not even allowed to have conversation and state something that happened and risk u seeing it as guilt trap. No, I will shut my mouth, blog n u just leave me and my son alone.