28 aug: Selfish man

I always Suspected I can't really count on my husband to chip in long term over the baby. He's just too selfish a person and his obsessive need to have "me time" to unwind just grates on my nerves. If he helps, it has to be when he feels like it and not when u ask (too often). He will get irritated and snappish. Excuse me, do I look like I'm So free? When he has chance to sleep he don't and do fucking things like F.B n you tube. He claims he wants n need time to do his chinese but almost everytime I pass his room he is surfing Internet or reading FB. 

That's why I never wanted kid for the longest time. I knew it will mostly fall back on me. He was good for a while in the 3rd month after the CL left but very quickly his selfish nature pops out. The feeding, the cleaning, the taking charge of maid, the grocery planning, the meal planning, the washing of All the bottles pumping equip n storage bottles for every feed, the bathing, the changing nappy, the cleaning of baby like nail clipping, putting baby to Sleep, basically everything from morn to Night. I frankly think not much difference from single mum except I got a maid to cook n clean.

I don't get why I even need to Open my Mouth to get him to clean the bottles when I pump or feeding baby or put baby to sleep. He gives me that irritated look

At time or he just sit on the request for hours n when I remind him he becomes annoyed. Fucker. So now I just clean them myself. He sees that I have finish bathing baby n the water tub is still there, he won't even lift a finger to automatically pour it away. He just walk away and then take his kindle to read n now nap. I had a good mind of leaving the fucking tub there but since I want to shower I might as well throw the water out. But am I resentful, of course I am. 

Just over the weekend I got hit by mastitis n had fever n chills n needed to rest. Sure he "volunteer " to take over looking after baby for night shift but the price? 3 days later he snap at me exclaiming he is very frustrated because he has "no time" to do his own things. Fucker. U think I been idling? I m sick I still have to chase tenant for money and look after household, pump milk, wash bottles help to bath baby etc. I didn't rest much either. So this snappish exchange took place and I just walk out of the room with baby to bath him n the fucker was more than happy that he didn't need to help bath the baby. 

So here I am battling the need to restore my milk supply after it went down by half after I started my antibiotics, while he shamelessly kept to Himself in the study room. 

All this panick sudden drive that he wants to master his chinese. Hello, I told u to

Learn mandarin from day 1 I met you since a decade plus ago. You sat on it for years and do causal private lessons last two years and suddenly u want to master it to have fluent conversation in a month? I don't get it. I seriously don't even want to engage him on the topic n I told him to

Look into schools rather than unstructured private lessons. He blame me for not talking to him in mandarin. Well who talk to me in Japanese when I learned it? I have told him he needs to watch chinese drama or video or tv to expose himself but he thinks they are stupid n refuse. I said that's how I learn but he just won't do it n it's my fault? 

Anycase, basically I just go into work function mode pretending my husband does not exist when it comes to the baby. If the baby has to drink formula if I fall sick again so be it. It's his lot in life that he has a selfish father. There's omg so much mum can stretch herself n it's unfortunate that grandma is equally useless to help out. As the saying goes, 求人不如求己. 

I guess this is all those years of project management from work comes into good use.