6 Nov: smile mummy smile:)

This is the only reason I can still smile when I have to face a moron day in day out. My little cheeky monkey:)

21 oct: sick baby

Since last Friday, my boy caught a cold from his grandpa. That means nitemare for me after managing to keep him away from virus for so long. Sigh. 

I had 3 consecutive sleepless nights because I would finish milk pumping and food prep by 2.30am. Get to bed by 3am and baby will cry with blocked nose. For one night I literally had to sit up and carry him chest to chest to help him Sleep. He gets bits and pieces of sleep every 45 mins or so but I couldn't coz I didn't want to drop him. Yet the next day my routine starts all over again. No one cut me much slack though my mil did help to carry n watch him while I get ready his food etc. 

By 3rd day on Sunday I was exhausted. My husband drag us out on sat for my mil birthday lunch and boy was fussing abit but still in good spirits. But he was tired n so I suffered for it at night when he didn't sleep well. Sunday, my in laws and husband went to attend relative birthday lunch, that leaves me alone with sick baby at home. I didn't even get to eat anything until they came back late afternoon. So imagine how tired n hungry I was on Sunday. I close my eyes for a bit but couldn't stay awake n fell asleep at 4pm. I woke up with a start at 6.30pm coz I missed his solid feeding at 6pm. I dashed out n saw my husband watching TV with my mil and I asked where's baby? My husband said asleep. My m said she had helped fed him (coz she saw the congee I prep on table in the heat thermos). She told me to go back sleep but was too close to dinner time so I went to bathe instead. My mil laughed about my panicked face. Well I did panicked there for a while thinking my son went hungry while I dozed off.

Sunday night my husband went to sleep at 1am but I'm still struggling to stay awake at 2.30am to make baby food and helping my in law and husband fill up China visa application form for their trip next weekend. I don't know why my husband thinks I'm Superwoman sometimes. By the time I slept was 3.30am n I woke at 5am by baby. Had to try to get him to Sleep till 7am before I feed him. 

By 9.30am we all have to rush out because I had to take my in laws n husband to China visa place. The whole thing dragged out till 11am. Then I dashed off to take baby to see doctor about his fever n running nose. Reached home at 1pm n missed his feeding at 12pm.

Monday night due to meds I got some sleep. Baby woke at 5am. 4 hours felt good. My first 4 hours since months n months ago.

Tuesday onwards I still get awaken by boy with his stuff nose coz his father thinks boy was recovering n don't need meds. Who takes the brunt of his decision? Me. 

Husband was happily asleep on his own in his own room while I have to carry baby to sleep again from 4.30-6.30am. 

Tuesday. Husband birthday. 

Had to take baby out again for birthday lunch. Another long tiring day. Tuesday night, I dunno why him n my mil couldn't convince my father in law to take cab to relative place. My FIL wanted save money to take bus but his legs ain't good. So again, the son left it to me to persuade my FIL. Wasn't too hard coz luckily my FIL really listens to me and usually will take my suggestions. Many times my FIL will discount wat my husband says n ask to defer to my opinions or for me to do things for him. There was once I rem my husband will say "I'm your son how can u don't believe me?" My FIL reply "coz I trust your wife" my husband felt abit miffed by that. I thought it was funny. It's strange sometimes. My FIL is like the good father I never had. 

Wednesday, I'm still doing EVERYTHING. My in laws went out to visit relatives and my husband hole up in His room to study while I was still slogging over our son from feeding to washing up. I barely had time to pump. 

I fell asleep in afternoon next to baby after tucking son to sleep. Therefore I overslept n was an hour late feeding him dinner. Then I had to bathe him and feed him solid. At this moment, I truly felt like single mother. 

Finally he realised I'm not saying a word tonight at dinner time. Then he offered to feed him the next milk session after I told him I have not pumped since 3pm and it's 9pm now. 

Yet even after I prep the breastmilk in fridge, he went to feed formula. When have I ever feed formula on this session? Formula had always been last meal midnight dream feed. I was pretty indignant and of course he raised his voice he dunno. 

Dunno dunno, every fuckinv thing also dunno. I told him to put baby clothes to wash coz his poo poo stain his clothes. His first response "I don't know how to use this washing machine" so I had to write down the mode, steps and instructions. 

Baby had stuff nose n after the last feed he left him and told me he wants to go jogging. So that means I can't nap. In my head one word, selfish. Then as I blog this my boy cried blue murder due to block nose. He of course can pretend he can't hear. I have to come get baby n calm him down. 

This weekend they will be off to china for 2 full days. So again I'm all alone. Inside im starting to feel emotionally unstable, mounting resentment. He hasn't realise it yet because rem, I'm not allowed to show it or he will pick a fight. 

Tomorrow, I still have to help his mum call for OBGyn to make appointment see doc, help arrange cut hair appointment. 

19 oct

Too tired to rem what I had wanted to blog yesterday or was it fri as in part 2. Dozed off straight after blog. 

Memory is shot when u are riding on sleep deprivation especially when there was ZERO sleep on sat nite to sun morn.

How i survived considering the little sleep I have constantly amazed me these days. 

Before I continued, wanted to say thanks for all the comments. Reading them but to exhausted to reply one by one... Despite this being my online rant which my husband is completely oblivious about, (he prob be pissed if he knows) , it's nice to know someone out there is empathising and My frustrations and runs of emotions are not like invisible and unwarranted.

Friday Nite

-------------

Any Case, husband tried to make peace. I told him i really needed to catch an hour nap from 11pm on Friday night. My head was hurting. I will need to feed baby again at Midnite. He said ok. Next thing I know he came to wake me and said he had fed baby n put him back to sleep but he kept waking. It was 1am sat morn he came but I was too tired to open my eyes n fell back asleep.. It was almost 2am when my Breasts hurt and I needed to pump n I woke. I finished at 3am n baby cried. It was a disturbed sleep night. Baby had flu. Kept waking. But coz I had that shuteye from 11-2am sleep, I felt better even if I had not much sleep again after.

Sat

----

on Sat lunch, went out with baby to celebrate my MIL bday. Even though Can't say I wanna stay home to sleep. I adore my MIL n so making the extra effort I thought was worth it. Baby was abit fussy but I think we all had a good time.

Little one caught a cold. Started with Running nose on fri night and went on to nasal congestion by sat night. Suspected caught from grandpa as he had running nose when he arrived. So baby was waking every 45 mins or so through the night and he can't sleep lying flat. That effectively means I had to carry him semi upright, chest to chest so he can rest his head near my shoulder n on chest. He could sleep better when I'm upright. 

When I almost fell asleep each time n started to slide down, he will wake n cry and so had to readjust my position. My head n my eyes are like splitting from

Fatigue. In the middle of night at 4am, his nose sounded really bad with the snorting sound so I had to carry him n dig for the saline drop and God he cried blue murder as he hates the drops but it gave him respite n he slept abit longer this time.

I on the other hand was wary that I don't drop him like I almost did the last time. There was this morn I was waiting for his expressed milk to warm up and I almost dropped him when carrying him coz I fell asleep while waiting n seated on the toilet seat. Lesson learnt, leave baby in cot even if he is wailing for attention. 

Anycase, he was whimpering at 7am. I didn't know from hunger or his nose so I went to get his milk anyway. Zombified. 

He fed well thankfully. Left him in cot while I dashed off to make his morning congee and pump. Everyone else is still asleep. How nice.... 

Sun morn

-----------/

It was another round of madness. Going through motions on auto mode. Today I will be alone. Everyone else is heading out to relative birthday lunch. 

Husband had to take parents to TST as they don't know the way n honestly the old folks not as alert as before n my FIL legs ain't that good anymore. Need help. 

He said he will try to rush back. I said ok though I don't see how quick. They left at  12pm as lunch starts at 1pm. Husband left them at 2pm and rushed to buy grocery for me to cook baby food and syringe for the baby fever med. he reached home about 4pm. 

So that means I had not slept since that 11pm- 2am shut eye on fri. Amazing I'm still functioning after more than 48hrs.  Must be all those years of mid Nite oil burning training while mugging for exams and working thru the nights while I was still working. Yet, this is more physically exhausting than work..  Not to mention I burnt my hands again with the pots while steaming baby food. I know now why people really shouldn't drive when tired. Your brain really don't focus and u don't know it when your hand slips n reaction time is slow. Really slow. U see yourself doing something stupid but your body reacts too slowly till the pain registers. 

Anycase, I'm thankful my boy behaved beautifully while we were on our own the whole half day. I left the bathing to his dad since my hands still have sms blisters from the burns. Plus I need to prep his food for dinner and fruits purée for mon morn. 

I didn't get to rest at all even when they are back till 630pm I went to bathe while my mil cooked. Just when I wanted to sit and eat at 7pm, baby woke and in my head I went "FUCK." Will I get to rest at all? I haven't eaten anything except a slice of bread at 9am. I'm starving.

My man volunteered to carry him so I can eat. My mil ate even faster so that she can watch him. She said she was full from lunch. It was 730pm n I had to ask for help for the first time. I asked my mil if she could feed baby his dinner which I had just finished cooking before shower. She was more than happy too and I just ate next to them so that I can guide her to baby nottie ways:) it was a relief that I could catch a break. 

I fell asleep with morn at 11pm. He's sleeping later n later no idea why. 

Woke at 1am with a start to feed him. His mouth was itching for food. My husband said he was going to sleep at 1.30am after I finish the feed n change baby diaper.. However I still have to pump and fill up the stack of paper work for their china visa trip. 

4am time to sleep but baby is stirring. Great. 

Wish Me luck.

17 oct: still awake.

Yep. Time check. 3.40am. Still awake and busy. Waiting for purée to cool down before fridging it.

I really like this combi strainer food prep set. It allows me to make the purée quickly n quietly and in small portions. I know I can use food processor but I prefer to make small fresh batches of food than a motherload n freeze. I'm anal I know. I just have certain ideas about this motherhood thing. 

I want to prep fresh food as much as possible. I'm adding more work to myself I know, Apart from my conviction that no maid should come near my child or be involved in any part of child care ( I'm peculiar. I believe if i m stay home mum and can't raise my child primarily myself then don't have one. This belief has no bearings on any working mum who works just as hard I'm sure) 

Still have a small load to wash up. Yes. This is my very small pile of washing. Usually, think double this amount. 

Time rewind.

Morning.

Baby woke at 6.30am but I gave him the pacifier to stall while I try to sleep for 30mins more. He was cooperative and finally dragged myself off bed and changed his nappy. Hoping to feed him before he get cranky so that he can fall back asleep n let me work on his food and pump milk till 9am. Then I can feed him his solid at 9.30am. THAT was the plan.

After changing his morn nappy n warming his milk, his granny was already waiting excitedly by his door, wondering if he is awake. So I told granny he's awake n she can go in. I stayed around just in case he cries since I can't tell how he copes with new faces before food. A hungry baby is an fussy baby. 

Thankfully my chirpy boy was an absolute gem and took to his granny like fish to water or bear to honey. Lol. Granny was delighted with his megawatts smiles n chuckles. 

Relieved I went to get the milk n well, out goes the plan since he's sooo fully awake now after playing with granny. I'm ok really. I rather he spend time with family who loves him n his granny did fly 10+ hours to come visit him despite just finishing an op to fix her bladder control problem, which still isn't fixed but worsen. Bloody new castle doctor went on holidays m she won't be able to find out ways wrong coz doc is the only specialist in town. 

Anycase, little one was good with granny n so I still get to pump milk but that means he wasn't feeding well as his sleep was disrupted. He feed better in morn half awake than fully awake somehow. He didn't want his morn oatmeal with squash either so again throw. Another waste of time. I forgot to start his congee in morn so had to rush to start his congee cooking at 10am after quick pump to get it ready for lunch. 

His dad came back at 2.30pm and took his folks out to settle some china visa application for their upcoming trip to China. So home alone with baby. 

Fed and bathe him. I finally tried to

Shampoo his hair like adults do now instead of just washing with soap water. I got to lather his head full of hair with shampoo, suds foam n all. It was fun. He didn't seem to mind it much though he didn't like bending backwards for me to rinse his head. 

Just when we finished, everyone is back!

Baby dad actually proactively washed the bottles n stuff without me opening my mouth for a change. 

To be continued... Too sleepy now. 

15 Oct: Tired

So yesterday came and went. Mr was in good mood coz he didn't have to look after baby. 

While I was feeding baby lunch, he came to is and said "Daddy got himself a present. Guess what?" I have absolutely zero interest and honestly I just want to feed my son and then Rush to pump milk while baby good mood last. Seeing no reaction from me, he whip out the apple box and happily declared his new Apple iPhone. Wow jolly good for u. I'm glad at least one of us is happy and get to go shopping. Anycase the phone isn't for me why should I be happy. 

I merely asked politely so wat colour he has gotten. Silver he said. Ok I

Said. It was like an after thought that he asked me "oh u don't want yours yet right?" Yah I replied. My phone still working. 

So off I went to wash bottles n busy with baby and he hid himself in the study to install his brand new phone. Horray for u. 

He saw me getting the stuff to bathe baby at 5pm and he just came in to say hello n disappeared. Again, doesn't bother me since my son is pretty well behaved n contented with just me. We play with his toys in water and I carried him and let him have a "fake" swim in water after his bath. He likes his frog kicks this little one. 

After bath baby started to get cranky n it was sleep time. While I

Was putting baby to sleep, I heard his father took the bottles to wash. I decided I will stop saying thanks. I just carry on to prep baby next meal. Why bother to say thanks when it's not appreciated and I still get shouted at whenever u feel like it.  Plus I NEVER asked u to wash it. I could have wash the bottles myself after baby sleep. 

Apart from baby, now that his folks are coming, I, not him, have the job of getting the room ready, including changing the curtains to the proper blackout ones. Thats me hooking the curtains n hanging the fucking heavy thing. That's me clearing the cabinet to make space. That's me asking maid to change bedsheets and me washing all the sheets  n covers because my maid can't cope and she's very bad at multitasking. 

Night time came. It's me having to read n correct maid's meal list for next few days. It's me paying bills online. It's me reminding him to take baby car seat n pram out of car to make space for luggage. It's me putting baby to sleep and prep maid on wat to buy for grocery while he decides to go jogging. He asked me "oh wat day is our relatives arranging to take mum and dad out for lunch?" I replied "can't rem" if I had told u before n u can't rem, why is it still my job to remind u if I couldn't care less? I could check my phone since his relatives text me but I don't want to make that extra effort anymore. I don't see why I have to be your PA anymore since u gave me so much shit since we had the baby. In total I must have cried like at least 6 times over the last 6 months. U have shouted and made me cried in front of my maid on her first day at work, and basically I don't even have a shred of face value left. Why should I care about your face anymore? Ur relatives, u handle them even though I like them n they have been very nice to me.  

Anycase, I knew it will be a long night when the lite one refuse his dream feed at midnight. His last feed was 8.30pm and I knew he will wake in middle of the night from hunger. So I forgo my usual midnight pumping n went to bed at 1.30am after I put watever I wanted to cook in pots for tmw.

At 3.30am baby woke n so I crawled out of my half of my single bed n went to make milk. After I fed him and put him to

His cot, I went out to pump milk at 4am.i crawled back to sleep at 4.30am n baby kept me awake with his whimpering at 5.30am and while he fell back asleep at 6.30am, I got up at 7.30am to pump till 8am and started cooking baby breakfast.

I was hungry but no chance of eating if I need to clear my list. I dunno why the maid will hassle me instead of my husband for marketing money. Why she won't open her fuckinv mouth last night I don't know. So I had to waste time look for money for her.

At 8.30am, had to wake baby to feed him milk. He went back to sleep till 9.30am while I washed the bottles n prep extra pork broth for next few days to store in freezer.

I woke the lite one up but the shithead refuse to eat his solids today. I guess he is used to 2 hours interval. So I had to throw everything away and wash up. His father decided to wake earlier to say hi to baby n then went back his room to

Do watever he does. 

He came out at 10.30am n asked "do u need me to cook you breakfast?" Do I look stupid? If I say yes, then u will use it against me later. So I said No. I will cook mine later myself. He didn't insist m went to cook his own breakfast while I went to keep the folded clothes and wash baby laundry n wash the cooking pots since the maid never wash the pots properly n stains normally stay there so I rather scrub it clean myself. 

Baby was a fuss pot today n won't sit quietly so I had to strap him up in sling bag n carry him today while cooking. Not ideal but no choice. 

I was chatting with baby, put him in his high chair while eating. He happy watched me eat. I told him no going out today coz mummy busy. His father overheard and said "oh I can take him out later to starbucks or something" I just kept quiet. In my head I was thinking how to? Later lunch and milk is bath time. Where got time to take him out? Not like u r bathing him. I dunno why he decided to carry his son but I didn't say anything. I guess no work involved since I have already calm the baby down after carrying him while cooking. Now I'm eating n baby happily sitting in his chair, u decide u want to come carry him. How convenient. 

I went to get his milk n while the milk was warming, I went to put away bottles etc after sterilisation n continued to do laundry. He could just wait till I get back n not start feeding him even though he saw milk was ready. I just took baby from him n he went off. All these 2-3hours in the morn, he didn't even noticed I didn't say a word to him. 

My maid I don't even know why the stupid one always ask me wat time is my lunch when she knows she cannot have it ready by 12.30pm. She always takes 3 hours to come back so why fucking waste my breath!?! 

Baby fell asleep on his own at 12.30pm n so here I am sleep deprived n pumping though my eyes are screaming to shut them. But if I don't get this out in writing, I might seriously get sick from bottling everything in. This is my outlet. My sanity sanctuary. 

My husband decided to play mr nice again, and came to room to offer me a peeled prawn from lunch. Offered to take food to room for me. I said no to everything. I don't need u to show affection when u feel like it. I can take care of myself. I honestly don't need u. 

I just need sleep. Not food. But of course I will not say that because even if it's just a passing remark in conversation that I woke at 3am, u will use it against me like last time, saying that by telling u that forces u to feel guilty that u r obliged to help with baby. So to me, I'm not even allowed to have conversation and state something that happened and risk u seeing it as guilt trap. No, I will shut my mouth, blog n u just leave me and my son alone. 

14 oct: Day after

After the big rant and dissing me about why I need other people to help with caring of the baby, I absolutely refuse to let him do anything or carry the baby. No thank you, I don't need to be shouted at since I don't know if you are going to categorise that as "helping" me or u r just playing but I rather err on side of caution and just take baby away since I don't want to be accuse "useless" indirectly. 

So my day still starts at 6.30am. I was mincing the pork at 8.30am n he come to

Kitchen to hush me to keep the chopping volume down coz it interrupts his sleep. Can I say it? I will say it. In my head I was thinking "fucker"

Anycase I made baby lunch n dinner congee, fed the baby milk, I pump milk, wake the baby to feed solid, wash bottles, take baby out buy grocery, come back feed milk, put baby to sleep, wash bottles, eat lunch, and the "I m the father" decides he wants to play with baby on the bed where I can watch him while I was washing bottle. After I was done, he carried baby to living room to play ball. I went to him and asked "are u playing with him or u are watching him?" 

He said "both"

Straightaway I took the baby off the ground and carried him n told his father "no thanks, I can watch him myself" and I brought him back to his bedroom to play and pump milk at the same time. Don't try to pretend everything is ok after u lash out on me. U want to be those good time daddy and nothing else then don't come near my son and say that u are helping me. I don't need your help n even if I die trying, I rather die than open my mouth to ask u to help wat him anymore. It's easy for me. I don't have to get angry at being malign anymore and i just don't allow grey area anymore to exist. From now on, I will always clarify if he is just wanting to play. I don't ever want to hear the words "I'm helping you" ever again since it seems as if it's more MY son than OURS since he is using the word "helping YOU". 

He tried to be "nice" and offered to wash the bottles saying he had time. I took the pail of bottles away from him and tell him don't need. I can do it myself. I will not give u the satisfaction of playing Mr nice guy as and when it suits u. Of course he is more than happy to go back to his room to do his watever stuff I don't care anymore. I don't fucking care wat time he goes to sleep anymore since he's not helping me lookout for baby waking while I pump. Last night I just sit in the dark in baby room to pump. At least even when he cries I can just take out my pump n carry him. 

There's a chinese saying 

靠人不如靠自己 and 死也不会求你

So at least I can proudly say "I raise my son", not "We raise our son"

13 oct: being shouted at again

I thought about whether to publish or not and decided why not? At least this will keep a record of how many times I have been unfairly been berated at. 

I was being shouted at again today. 

For no good reason he just yelled fuck while I Was feeding baby. I ran out with baby asking what happened and within a min, he lashed out at me, claiming that i deprived him of any time to do anything for himself. I didn't even know where that outburst came from.

The day had started out good for me. I dashed out of the house in the morn to go bank to take money for my maid for her salary. She wanted to go off today to remit money to her family and to buy her own food. She was supposed or had offered to cook me my lunch last night but today she suddenly told me she can't. 

I was rushing to meet Kelly n running late at 10.30am instead of 10am so I just let my maid go. 

When I got home at 11.30am, I was surprised to see him at home and asked how come. His chinese lesson was cancelled last min. I told him to carry the baby for 10mins while I defrost his breastmilk n prepping to feed him. Meanwhile in that 10mins, I was clearing the mountain load of bottles, plates n bowls for baby when I fed him this morn. I was also chatting to him happily with no sign of displeasure from him. 

I had woke up at 6.45am. In fact I fell off the bed coz I was so tired n lost my balance. I had went to bed at 3.30am last night again getting ready the raw ingredients for baby breakfast. I pump at 7-7.30am. I fed baby at 7.40am. I put him back to sleep and started to steam baby squash n carrot and cook his congee at 8am. 

I went back to try to finish my milk pump At 8-8.30am. I went to kitchen to grind baby food and finish cooking the congee. It was 9.15am. I woke baby n he finall woke at 9.30am while I finish storing the purée. At 9.30am I started feeding him squash oat cereal till 9.45am. 

I changed him and wipe down and was out of house by 10.05am. I met Kelly in landmark at 10.30am grab my Stuff and rushed back home to feed baby. I reached home about 11.30am and that was my only time in asking him to

Hold baby 10mins while I Got his milk.

I told him maid decided she can't cook my lunch. I ask him if he is having lunch home he said no. I said ok n will tell maid I'm using the salmon for lunch. I only asked if he had time to cook my lunch but I said if he was busy it's ok. 

I started feeding baby at 11.50am. I saw my husband getting the rice. I didn't think much of it. 

Baby pooed half way feeding and all I did was to ask him to get a plastic bag when he asked if I needed help. That was all. 

After I cleaned him up, I continued feeding and that was when he shouted a very loud fuck n table slamming. I rushed out with baby thinking he hurt himsf and that's when he started shouting at me saying he can't go gym etc. he can't go to fucking gym n he yell at me. 

I said to him calmly to just go gym n I will do my own lunch. He said no mood now.  He just went on berating me, saying I take up so much of his time. He went on to sarcastically said that I accuse him of not handling stress n he was offended. He said he's doing so much thing. Search for job, look after baby etc. he say he don't understand why he had to spend so much time with baby. 

I have no idea where that outburst came from. In fact after the first time he yelled at me, I had never asked him to care for baby n I did almost everything myself. It was only last 2 days when I was sleep deprived coz baby had nitemares n I didn't hear him cry when he woke in the 4pm cycle n he had to look after him. I was asleep I admit for that 2 hours n I woke up with a start to feed baby but he said he had bathe n fed up. That moment I was very grateful n had said thanks to him n I really appreciate his help. He had said no problem as he knew I was tired. He had did that himself n yet today he BLAME me for wasting his time. I don't get it. On one hand u appear to want to help but deep down u are resentful u need to help. It wasn't like I was shopping or idling and yet he still wanted to shout at me for taking up

His time. His previous 4 hours max in a whole day and that was TOO much for him. How about me? Minus 3hours sleep, and that ocassion 3-4hrs help from him to watch baby while I pump

Milk or prep his meal, wat about those 16hrs i slave without a word? 

I Told him I had apologised way too many times for the one thing I had said like many many months back. That I said he lashing out at me coz he was under stress. He held that against me. Even after I apologised for that during our first fight, However everytime he feel like lashing out he will repeat the same thing like I have never apologised. I said what does he expect from me? Grovel? Kneel down? I said I have already apologised for that one slip n after that I had been very conscious of wat I said ever since. In fact so much so that I don't even say anything back anymore coz it's pointless and he seem to take it as I concede he was right. So wat he wants from me? 

He said I never apologised n I said I did with clear conscience. I said he even apologised back at me once for shouting at me again over the same thing coz he was stressed. He was the one who repeatedly said he was under stressed and I never once said or make reference to it. Yet he turned it around to accuse me of saying things I had never once said. He accused me of saying he was useless n I said I have never ever said that to him. He changed his stance n said I implied. I said I never did and it was him who thought that way. Yet he insisted everything is my help because he see me so busy n feel obliged to help. He said I CANT cope with stress (oh really?) but yet he was the one who always shout at me n I have never started a fight with him. 

I told him then don't help me if u are going to help me. Don't help and then snap at me. I said from now on I will Exoecf him to do anything for baby. Not like he was doing a lot anyway. At most I just have to give up breastfeeding. . He said that's not right either. I said then when am I Suppose to know it's ok to ask him for help and when not to? He never answered me. 

To me, I see him watch movies online, videos or FB etc instead of studying n he tell Me to shut up when I ask Him to study instead don't waste time. He claimed he need to unwind. He said he is tired from only studying from 10pm onwards to 2am. But you expect to do absolutely nothing for baby when u come home at 2 or 3pm? Usually I only see if u have time to watch him while I pump the 5pm session that's like 45mins. 

 And when I'm Too tired n fell asleep without hearing the baby, u choose to look after baby but then u yell at me now for the fact that u had to spend time to Do it. I told him don't help if u r going to be so upset. Don't. Because I will melt down next time when u shout at me again. I said I have tried my best. I know he was tired I even took baby out to buy lunch back for him on Sunday when I'm the one who only slept 3 hours n he had more than 6hrs. 

 I said I don't even ask him to Wash bottles coz I know he's busy. I said I dunno how else more I can do short of completely treating him as invisible. He has no answer for me. I said he hardly even thank me for good job or trying. All I

Hear is waves n waves of criticism and accusation. 

I said it's his long job search that's causing him stress n there's nothing I can help him with on that. How many wife will not even contest the sale of our apartment proceeds to go 100% to him with a million profit? Despite everything I spend effort in caring for the house I get not a penny n I didn't even say anything because I thought marriage was joint sharing n he needs the money more since he is jobless. Instead of seeing it as me being understanding he took it for granted that I shouldn't get a penny from the sale proceeds. 

I'm tired. Tired of him being unreasonable n lashing at me. 

His relative SMS me to ask me why isn't he helping me more and looks like I'm doing everything. I didn't know wat to say. Tell the truth? No. I just say he's busy with his chinese class. What else can I say? I'm even too tired to talk to anyone to let off steam. In fact I don't even have time. 

He implied I'm useless. He said he don't understand why I need so Much help from other people. I don't know wat he meant by that. The maid does housework n cooking. I did everything else. Who is the many help he referring to? When did I ask anyone else? Even his sisters have his mum to run to. Who can I run to for moments I need to sleep? No one. If he don't want to offer his time let me have abit of sleep time, then I don't get any but he is all so wrap up about himself that he has never put himself in my shoes. 

He even expect me to plan something for his birthday. He seem displeased that I have no energy left to hunt for restaurant that will accommodate him his folks n baby. He still wanted to dine out for dinner but I had to say no. Lunch at best with baby. Does he understand his lifestyle had to change? No. Very clearly no. He just want a son to play with and that's it. I knew I should never agree to a child though I have no regrets with my boy. I'm sorry u had to see mum n dad argue n mum cry. He turned all quiet n stare at me when I cried. Looking at that expression I had to force myself to stop n smile at him n pretend I'm fine. My husband of course don't give a shit. 

5 oct: Start of making baby food

The honeymoon is over and at 6 months, the real journey begins..whe everyone told me to try few days each time for new food, my PD didn't seem too concern with the vege saying rarely babies get allergies with those in list. I prob shorten test to 2 days instead of 4days for veges else it will take me forever to get thru the list!

In addition to what my PD gave me on list of food for baby to eat, been getting good tips n advices from various gfs who has already completed the trials and tribulations of infanthood for their child. Advantages of being mother last! Lol!

So did what my fren told me, to debone Ikan, wash n fry dry n grind to power. 

Today decided to start on congee for the little one. Don't really need a slower cooker I find. Just have to let it simmer for 2 hours. Easy breezy. 

1. First, got daddy to buy lean meat yesterday. Froze it and slice it to desired size. Cut away any visible fats. Store excess meat. 

2. A palmful of rice with 4 small bowls of water. Throw in meat to add flavor

3. Let it cool and mash it further to make it more watery for first taste! It smell sooo nice!!! Fragrant!!

Baby loved it! More than apple purée for sure!! He lapped up more than a teaspoon! Mummy finished the red of course!

Crazy cycle. 1-3hr sleep. How long more?

The sleep pattern changed again. From my good little boy who sleeps from 10pm to 7.30am, he suddenly decides to wake me up at 5am every single fking day for the past 2 weeks. 

But because I don't want to restart his night feeding at 5am, I had to let him wait it out till 6.30am or 7am depending. But I don't get any sleep while waiting. 

After feeding him, it's 45mins of pumping while entertaining the little monkey. Then had to put him to bed at 9am. 

9.15-9.30am dealing with maid n her marketing list since she is sooooo fucking useless that I cannot give her free rein or she will buy rubbish back. 

9.30-10am will be washing pumps n bottles

10am- 10.30an will be cooking breakfast n eating.

10.30-10.45am: do baby laundry

11am - 11.15am : baby wakes and change diaper n wipe down

11.15-11.45am: play with baby since he won't sit or play by himself

11.45- 12.10pm: prep milk for feeding

12.15-1pm: play with baby and eat lunch

1-1.45pm: change diaper, put baby to bed, pump milk

1.45pm-2pm: wash bottles n sterilise

2pm: prep baby food. Wait for baby wake

2.30pm: feed baby taster solid

2.30-3.30pm: entertain baby 

3.30-4pm: pass baby to dad. 

4pm: get milk ready

4-4.10pm: feed baby

4.10-4.45pm: play with baby

4.45-5.15pm: bath baby

5.15-5.30pm: give baby dinner

5.30-6pm: put baby to sleep. Pump milk. 

6-7pm: . Wake baby at 7pm

7-8pm: dinner. 

8pm: feed baby

8.15pm - 10pm: play with baby. Hubby help if free

10pm 10.30pm: put baby to sleep

10.30-11.30pm: pump milk

11.45pm: Dream feed baby. 

12.30am-1.30am: check email, pay household bills, buy groceries online, buy baby stuff etc.

2am: sleep (with baby). (Provide baby don't have nitemare n wake every hour) 

5am-5.30am: pump milk

The whole cycle begins. 

When I look at the time chart, I don't get why my hubby thinks he help me a lot and complain HE don't get to rest. Like as if I'm fuckinv shaking leg???

He def did help but I don't think it's 50-50 which he seems to think so. Everytime I pop into his study room he's fucking surfing Internet but keep telling me he's busy. When I raised the issue he's wasting time he claim he needs to unwind. Do I see ME unwinding??? U get to sleep in till 9-10am and u want to Bitch about being tired and tell me to leave u alone. 

Great. Thanks for such appreciation.

And stop telling me to quit Breast feeding because it inconvenience YOU and hide it behind the pretext I'm not getting enough rest. If u watch less tv, read less shit online n fb less, and Help me, then perhaps I can rest more 

.

28 aug: Selfish man

I always Suspected I can't really count on my husband to chip in long term over the baby. He's just too selfish a person and his obsessive need to have "me time" to unwind just grates on my nerves. If he helps, it has to be when he feels like it and not when u ask (too often). He will get irritated and snappish. Excuse me, do I look like I'm So free? When he has chance to sleep he don't and do fucking things like F.B n you tube. He claims he wants n need time to do his chinese but almost everytime I pass his room he is surfing Internet or reading FB. 

That's why I never wanted kid for the longest time. I knew it will mostly fall back on me. He was good for a while in the 3rd month after the CL left but very quickly his selfish nature pops out. The feeding, the cleaning, the taking charge of maid, the grocery planning, the meal planning, the washing of All the bottles pumping equip n storage bottles for every feed, the bathing, the changing nappy, the cleaning of baby like nail clipping, putting baby to Sleep, basically everything from morn to Night. I frankly think not much difference from single mum except I got a maid to cook n clean.

I don't get why I even need to Open my Mouth to get him to clean the bottles when I pump or feeding baby or put baby to sleep. He gives me that irritated look

At time or he just sit on the request for hours n when I remind him he becomes annoyed. Fucker. So now I just clean them myself. He sees that I have finish bathing baby n the water tub is still there, he won't even lift a finger to automatically pour it away. He just walk away and then take his kindle to read n now nap. I had a good mind of leaving the fucking tub there but since I want to shower I might as well throw the water out. But am I resentful, of course I am. 

Just over the weekend I got hit by mastitis n had fever n chills n needed to rest. Sure he "volunteer " to take over looking after baby for night shift but the price? 3 days later he snap at me exclaiming he is very frustrated because he has "no time" to do his own things. Fucker. U think I been idling? I m sick I still have to chase tenant for money and look after household, pump milk, wash bottles help to bath baby etc. I didn't rest much either. So this snappish exchange took place and I just walk out of the room with baby to bath him n the fucker was more than happy that he didn't need to help bath the baby. 

So here I am battling the need to restore my milk supply after it went down by half after I started my antibiotics, while he shamelessly kept to Himself in the study room. 

All this panick sudden drive that he wants to master his chinese. Hello, I told u to

Learn mandarin from day 1 I met you since a decade plus ago. You sat on it for years and do causal private lessons last two years and suddenly u want to master it to have fluent conversation in a month? I don't get it. I seriously don't even want to engage him on the topic n I told him to

Look into schools rather than unstructured private lessons. He blame me for not talking to him in mandarin. Well who talk to me in Japanese when I learned it? I have told him he needs to watch chinese drama or video or tv to expose himself but he thinks they are stupid n refuse. I said that's how I learn but he just won't do it n it's my fault? 

Anycase, basically I just go into work function mode pretending my husband does not exist when it comes to the baby. If the baby has to drink formula if I fall sick again so be it. It's his lot in life that he has a selfish father. There's omg so much mum can stretch herself n it's unfortunate that grandma is equally useless to help out. As the saying goes, 求人不如求己. 

I guess this is all those years of project management from work comes into good use.