21 oct: sick baby

Since last Friday, my boy caught a cold from his grandpa. That means nitemare for me after managing to keep him away from virus for so long. Sigh. 

I had 3 consecutive sleepless nights because I would finish milk pumping and food prep by 2.30am. Get to bed by 3am and baby will cry with blocked nose. For one night I literally had to sit up and carry him chest to chest to help him Sleep. He gets bits and pieces of sleep every 45 mins or so but I couldn't coz I didn't want to drop him. Yet the next day my routine starts all over again. No one cut me much slack though my mil did help to carry n watch him while I get ready his food etc. 

By 3rd day on Sunday I was exhausted. My husband drag us out on sat for my mil birthday lunch and boy was fussing abit but still in good spirits. But he was tired n so I suffered for it at night when he didn't sleep well. Sunday, my in laws and husband went to attend relative birthday lunch, that leaves me alone with sick baby at home. I didn't even get to eat anything until they came back late afternoon. So imagine how tired n hungry I was on Sunday. I close my eyes for a bit but couldn't stay awake n fell asleep at 4pm. I woke up with a start at 6.30pm coz I missed his solid feeding at 6pm. I dashed out n saw my husband watching TV with my mil and I asked where's baby? My husband said asleep. My m said she had helped fed him (coz she saw the congee I prep on table in the heat thermos). She told me to go back sleep but was too close to dinner time so I went to bathe instead. My mil laughed about my panicked face. Well I did panicked there for a while thinking my son went hungry while I dozed off.

Sunday night my husband went to sleep at 1am but I'm still struggling to stay awake at 2.30am to make baby food and helping my in law and husband fill up China visa application form for their trip next weekend. I don't know why my husband thinks I'm Superwoman sometimes. By the time I slept was 3.30am n I woke at 5am by baby. Had to try to get him to Sleep till 7am before I feed him. 

By 9.30am we all have to rush out because I had to take my in laws n husband to China visa place. The whole thing dragged out till 11am. Then I dashed off to take baby to see doctor about his fever n running nose. Reached home at 1pm n missed his feeding at 12pm.

Monday night due to meds I got some sleep. Baby woke at 5am. 4 hours felt good. My first 4 hours since months n months ago.

Tuesday onwards I still get awaken by boy with his stuff nose coz his father thinks boy was recovering n don't need meds. Who takes the brunt of his decision? Me. 

Husband was happily asleep on his own in his own room while I have to carry baby to sleep again from 4.30-6.30am. 

Tuesday. Husband birthday. 

Had to take baby out again for birthday lunch. Another long tiring day. Tuesday night, I dunno why him n my mil couldn't convince my father in law to take cab to relative place. My FIL wanted save money to take bus but his legs ain't good. So again, the son left it to me to persuade my FIL. Wasn't too hard coz luckily my FIL really listens to me and usually will take my suggestions. Many times my FIL will discount wat my husband says n ask to defer to my opinions or for me to do things for him. There was once I rem my husband will say "I'm your son how can u don't believe me?" My FIL reply "coz I trust your wife" my husband felt abit miffed by that. I thought it was funny. It's strange sometimes. My FIL is like the good father I never had. 

Wednesday, I'm still doing EVERYTHING. My in laws went out to visit relatives and my husband hole up in His room to study while I was still slogging over our son from feeding to washing up. I barely had time to pump. 

I fell asleep in afternoon next to baby after tucking son to sleep. Therefore I overslept n was an hour late feeding him dinner. Then I had to bathe him and feed him solid. At this moment, I truly felt like single mother. 

Finally he realised I'm not saying a word tonight at dinner time. Then he offered to feed him the next milk session after I told him I have not pumped since 3pm and it's 9pm now. 

Yet even after I prep the breastmilk in fridge, he went to feed formula. When have I ever feed formula on this session? Formula had always been last meal midnight dream feed. I was pretty indignant and of course he raised his voice he dunno. 

Dunno dunno, every fuckinv thing also dunno. I told him to put baby clothes to wash coz his poo poo stain his clothes. His first response "I don't know how to use this washing machine" so I had to write down the mode, steps and instructions. 

Baby had stuff nose n after the last feed he left him and told me he wants to go jogging. So that means I can't nap. In my head one word, selfish. Then as I blog this my boy cried blue murder due to block nose. He of course can pretend he can't hear. I have to come get baby n calm him down. 

This weekend they will be off to china for 2 full days. So again I'm all alone. Inside im starting to feel emotionally unstable, mounting resentment. He hasn't realise it yet because rem, I'm not allowed to show it or he will pick a fight. 

Tomorrow, I still have to help his mum call for OBGyn to make appointment see doc, help arrange cut hair appointment.