Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Exasperated with love clueless people

Patience and dealing with "stupidity" has never been my forte, especially so when I found myself in situations needing to mince my words such as to protect the fragile heart or ego of the people in question.

Age has seriously erode my compassion for the ridiculous naivety of some people, and my decreasing willingness to make logic out of illogical situations I had heard. Indirectly, it also intensify the sharpness of the advice dished out when solicited. I figure "if you are going to act stupid, then you are asking for it."

Sometimes, I wondered to myself, how much are we hardwired genetically to be able to deal with emotional matters? I agree love is blind, and we have no say in who we fall in love with. However, how does one go about dealing with matters of the heart, it has to be 70% experience and intellectual rational logic combined isnt it? So at times, when I see girls acting STUPIDLY with their love live, I groaned in despair especially when it involved friends.

My sudden rant today comes about due to the unsuspecting receipt of a self-indulgent whiny whimpering mail disguised in the form of a long message from an girlfriend. I like to give her some credit, I really do but right now this moment, apart from exasperation at her behaviour and strange thoughts, it's pretty hard to have anything else nice to say.

This female friend is several years younger. She is fundamentally a nice girl but unfortunately, has always been idealistic and simplistic in her views of things. To make matters worse, she often over romanticise things and act impulsively without logic nor reason. To be fair, she doesnt have much experience in love and it has been over 6 years since she broke off with her first exbf from school. However in the years I have known her, I have never seen her make a single sensible decision when it comes to love, and I have lost count of the times I have encouraged her, to the lecturing, counselling and reprimands. To a point, she knew she was upsetting me with the frivolous ways and obvious disregard to her own standing, as a decent girl.

I tried explaining to her. If she don’t see herself an loveable and respectable person, how does she expect someone else to feel the same and love her ? If she don’t consider herself worthy of someone, will she ever be? So yeah, sometimes even when we do think we’re worthy but things fail, yet the chances of reciprocity are much greater when we have a belief in an idea than when we don’t isnt it? Plus, doesnt she see how wrong it is to keep expecting somebody else to give her happiness, when the one person who really should is herself.

I know she has a mild inferior complex because of her slight chubbiness. I know she wants that romantic love, that strong yearning yet combined with a huge ego. Not the best combination for a simple minded person. She is not stupid, but she acts stupid when it comes to love in her life and I simply am losing patience with her constant inability to hold her ground. Why do people behave the way they do? Was my mincing of words doing her more harm than good? Of course I am mindful that she is the mistress of her own life and she is the only one who can take charge of it. Yet, sometimes, I honestly dread hearing those dead corners she constantly steered herself into.

It is naturally understandable for her to fear rejection. Yet, her constant jumping to conclusion is absurd. In the past, she sought solace in partying every weekend, hoping to find a Mr Right, her soulmate in a club. I had told her a million times, statistcally, it's almost impossible to find true love from strangers while partying. A causal fling, one night stand yeah sure aplenty, true love? Forget it. Then again causal fling isnt her thing either because she lacks control of her emotions and she simply becomes a pawn- readily. So everytime she met someone in a club, it always almost definitely ends up as a nitemare or a despairing disappointment time and again. She always ended up feeling cheated. What does she expect? All the guy *cough* jerks *cough* who chatted her up are often only up for one thing - causal flings, though fling is truly an over-generous use of word here. It's sooooo glaringly obvious to anyone hearing her enounters but she was naively blind to it and plunges straight off the cliff despite my best efforts to reign her in. In most situations, its most certainly too late because she would only confide in me when the deed is done and I would hold myself from strangling her and screaming "WTF are u thinking". It's pointless to get all blue in the face because she knows its a lost cause but she wont want to admit it. So instead, she clung on desperately to a false hope that "she will be the one" to change him, to attract him into making her the "last one". One of the worst thing a woman can wish for, is to change a man. Why do some woman never learn - that "A man will never change because you want him to, he will only truly change if HE wants to." It's such a simple concept yet so hard to grasp for some. Hence, she will delude herself for months, getting toyed with, and finally end everything in tears, like a dog with tail between its leg conceding she has been lied to once again. Can I seriously whipped any sense into this girl?

Finally in the year before I left, I gave her a thrashing down because being nice doesnt seem to do the trick. I asked her if she knew what was the difference between a fling and a whore and why was she so willing to be trampled all over and mishandled by all those jackarse in her silly quest for love. There is nothing wrong in craving or wanting love but its definitely not right to throw herrself at every man that comes along that shows her a little attention. Show some self respect. Perhaps age played a part, she seemed to get something in and stopped her partying ways. However, she still isnt thinking straight. She let her emotional state get the better of her.

Recently, she claimed she has found solace in God. Yeah right. I am skeptical, only because I never have much faith in people who so readily leap into it when they are lonely and unhappy. I doubt it is really God performing miracle but more lplausible that she enjoyed the cell group company keeping her mind occupied. Nothing wrong with that, just not the way I envisioned how one should embraced religion, being sucked into it because one is lonely rather than wanting to gain spiritual enlightenment. In th end, it isnt the bible content she is spendin time on but rather guys in church. Anycase religion aside, she confessed she once again fell for someone in her church cell group. She enjoyed all their conversations, all their phone and sms chats etc. Great....

That is until she fessed up that she decided to give him the cold shoulder for 2 weeks now and avoided him. My forehead creased into a frown and asked her why. She said she decided that it is better that way because she felt he was misleading her by being so nice to her. And if he was not interested, he should not be so warm and caring, and yet he did nothing to pursue her like after a month. She felt that rather than risking him telling her he isnt interested, it was better she strike first by creating the distance. Then she went on saying he is so smart and sensitive and he should know what he is doing to her. I so fking want to strangle her. When she went on to say they share the same horoscope, that was when I asked myself, what sort of crazy ideas lies inside that head of hers.

It was virtually impossible to contain my angst. So I blasted her and told her that her impulse is ruining everygood thing in her life. This isnt the first time that some decent nice guy is nice to her and she would turn on the cold shoulder move, I didnt know why she loves to jump to conclusion and her notion of love is so bizarre. She ignored him and yet she expect him to continue to call her, chase her and be mindful of her every move. She now wonders and harps on why he reacted the same by putting distance between them, reciprocating the ways she started it in the first place. In the first place, why does she always assume "friendliness equate love" and there wasnt room for platonic relationship. It is all so unbelievable that I can almost die from frustrations.

The question I asked her, wasnt this what she wanted by her stupid conclusion and action? So why does she feel like she is in a dilemma and awkwardness and asking me WHY IS HE behaving like this. What did she want? Is she still 16yrs old expecting to be woo like those stupid romance book? Is she expecting some sort of instant noodle speed romance? Those that explodes like firework and fizzle out in a flash too? Even if the guy did hold any possible liking, her body language had just signalled she wasnt interested. And if the guy was just a friend, all the more confusion and he would let her be. At least that is the situation I would rationalise. he isnt her, how on earth would he know what is she thinking?

It's so tiring to try explaining logic to someone illogical. She has lots to ponder and reflect but I doubt she will ever reach the state where she can see objectively where she has gone so wrong and why she "scare" every guy away.

She probably wont like what she is going to read tomorrow. For the first time, I finally blatantly called her acting stupid and behaving childishly. I seriously hope she will learn her lesson this time, pick herself up and move on.... though I have serious doubt about it. Sigh...

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