Friday, March 13, 2009

Blast from the past.

Things happen in succession and I believe always for a reason. So I just thought I'll just jot a passing thought down without further furnishing any glory details.

Today while mailing a girlfriend today, I received another message. A blast from the past. Someone who had long become distant memory. It is moment like this that one gets a jolt. It got me reminiscing quite a bit.

They say, Experiences mould a person, encounters changes a person. Yet I believe, our fundamentals, the core elements that constitue our being will never change. We just need to recognise it and use what works for us.

Some people grow with new resolve from bad experiences, while some spiral downwards.
Some people learn in the face of adversity, yet some lament and whine.
Some cut their loses, some cling on refusing to let go.
Some people move on from the past, some live on in their past.

Today is already fast becoming a past for me, but it's only going to be a new start for someone.

Truth is, I have kinda forgotten this person. Memories just fade and dull. Guess I thought wrong...

He asked me strange questions today. Questions I had the answers but I didnt want to share. To me, there wasnt a point. What is past, is past. Somethings should be laid to rest, even if we may never get the answers we wanted to hear. However he was persistent. He desperately needed to know.

The thing was. He never understoodwhat happened. I thought it was crystal clear but apparently I thought wrong. He never could grasp how some things in life, you dont get a second chance if you miss the boat.

It's funny. He told me today that he treasured what we had and when it was lost, he wished he had never left the country, that he had stayed behind believing things would have been different. He asked me if I had felt the same. He shared his feelings, his regrets. He asked me a thousand of "what if".

I sat behind the PC, unmoved emotionally and a little puzzled. Mainly, I thought we were long over before we started to have anything emotionally, least not on my side that I was aware of. He was a possibility that I knew wasn't going to work.. To me, those questions and feelings no longer hold any meaning, purpose nor significance. He didnt understand how I could turn to leave everything behind and not bate an eyelid. In return, I didnt understand how he could understand so little even after all these years.

He always knew I lost faith in long distance relationship since I broke up with Alvin. He knew how I had to claw my miserable way back to life after that. He knew I would not wait for someone anymore. Chemistry didnt matter. Long distance relationship will never work for me. He should remember that once my mind is made up,  I make it a damn point not to look back.

Experiences have taught me to be clinical about emotions. Dont drag, Dont leave a mess. Cut it and keep it clean. It will sting for a while but it will heal. So it stumped me a little when he said he really loved me then. The key word here is "THEN", and the unexpected and most inapproperiate word was "love". I frankly told him so.

I guess he got his closure today after so many years. To be honest, I did cringe a little when I had to be brutally honest with him. It's probably like trampling all over his feelings but bitter medicine is the curing kind. Pehaps the next time when he meet another girl he likes, he would consider his options, vocalise his stand more clearly.

This is probably a week where the past comes back to tickle me. Had a separate  conversation with J and somehow topic made its way back to Alvin. J asked if we were still in touch. I told him honestly not much. A courtesy email here and there but I believe he was doing well last we spoke. As our msn progress, J commented how he cannot imagine what happened. What Alvin and I had was the almost perfect sort of relationship. When it ended, it was earth shattering and honestly, its never something I want to endure again. The helpless feeling of being trapped in a dark tunnel, and acutely recalling how it was literally able to stop my ability to breathe. It's a cruel blow, almost intorable experience looking back. Yet thanks to it, I grew. It had lessons I could draw strength from, did much soul searching, and a compass to subsequent experiences.

I told J I believed life works in funny ways. It's only when u lose something, you will gain something. If you look hard enough, there is always a silver lining in life. However, what you need is courage and resolve to let go first. Only then will you be able to find the other half that is out there for u.

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