Friday, August 10, 2007

One of those blue blue days

Have you ever been so over cluttered with thoughts and reflections that you wonder how you are ever going to tear those thoughts apart and come out feeling ok and certain? Yesterday was not a good day. Basically just a day that make me think long and hard about alot of things.

Have you ever have those moments when you question yourself what you are doing NOW, and the path you have chosen to take? How do u know? How do you know its a mistake before you make one? Or how do you avoid one if everyone else doesnt seem to think its one?

Many questions have been swirling in my head for the past month or so. I have many questions but no answers. And no one has the answers to them, not even myself. Or is the answer staring back in my face without me even realising it? Or am i refusing to see it and running away from it?

In life, we have to make decisions all the time. Some easy, some tough.
I have made many decisions in my life, and strangely, many of them now which i think back, I am not so sure if its the right ones now. I am not sure if I had chosen the other path, would I be happier than now, or less? I will never know but a part of me for now will always question myself for decisions and moments I have walked away from and given up.

Yesterday was a bad day. I went to Cure concert last night and honestly, I didnt enjoy it one bit. It was loud and blaring into my ears but it was a good way to spend 3.5hrs if you have nothing on your plate, nothing else better to do. 

Today a dak cloud remained lingering over my head. I woke up still feeling uncertain about many things which obviously by now if u are reading this, you will know I am not going to tell you what it is that is bugging me.

Sms a fren last nite that I wasnt happy. She asked me what happen? I didnt know how or where to start. Then again she should know part of the cause, because I have been asking her the question for some time now. How is it possible that I am dreading something so much with no logical answer? She told me to face my demons, better sooner than late. For once, I am reluctant to agree with her. In fact I am reluctant to do anything, until I know what the hell I am doing now. Chicken and egg huh.

On top of everything else, I have always felt like I havent done what I am suppose to do to be happy. I feel like I am not living the way I should be, not taking the path I should be, not doing the things I should be. Its crazy I know. people look at me and tell me I should be happy. I seem to have everything going for me but yet its a strangely empty feeling. Maybe happiness is the worst possible emotions in life. Because its so fleeting and far from often that you often miss it the most. Memories are worse, they show you an insight of happy times and leave you craving for more. Perhaps the best emotion is just not to feel anything.

Am i babbling. Quite sure I am.

I think its about time my break is over.


LPPL said...

Is it a pre-"event" sceptism? I think everyone will go thru it someday. Everytime when I looked back at my past, some were good and some were disastrous. Then again, I can feel that it's there for a reason and it's planned since the day we are born. For you, I am sure the case scenario is the same and Yes!! you should be happy. Common!! Life is great. Don't have to be down eventhough it's hard to resist it. Just think of the many good friends around u and futures. Take Care Pauline and if u feel like a chat, I am here. I can babble more than ya but in one sentence. Unlike u...!!

Jo said...

Hey, it's ok, everyone has that empty moment every now and then, wondering what we have done were right and wise etc. What I learned is never look back and regret anything cos' that only makes you feel doubtful but doesn't do any good. To be busy everyday doesn't mean life is fulfilling, it can be empty too, just that we don't get the time to sit down and think.

Share with you the famous phrase from the movie 'Long Vacation'... 'Everyone has up and down, when you are down, just let yourself have a long vacation, take it slow and one day when you are ready, you can embark on the new chapter again'.

"Know Thyself" said...

thanks people. I am good now. ANd JO, thanks for the good saying. i like that and will bear them in mind

Jo said...

Glad that you are ok! There is always up and down, but give it some time... Time helps in getting many things over, it has natural healing power. Trust me, I was once down the drain but I'm ok now :)