Tuesday, October 13, 2015

13 oct: being shouted at again

I thought about whether to publish or not and decided why not? At least this will keep a record of how many times I have been unfairly been berated at. 

I was being shouted at again today. 

For no good reason he just yelled fuck while I Was feeding baby. I ran out with baby asking what happened and within a min, he lashed out at me, claiming that i deprived him of any time to do anything for himself. I didn't even know where that outburst came from.

The day had started out good for me. I dashed out of the house in the morn to go bank to take money for my maid for her salary. She wanted to go off today to remit money to her family and to buy her own food. She was supposed or had offered to cook me my lunch last night but today she suddenly told me she can't. 

I was rushing to meet Kelly n running late at 10.30am instead of 10am so I just let my maid go. 

When I got home at 11.30am, I was surprised to see him at home and asked how come. His chinese lesson was cancelled last min. I told him to carry the baby for 10mins while I defrost his breastmilk n prepping to feed him. Meanwhile in that 10mins, I was clearing the mountain load of bottles, plates n bowls for baby when I fed him this morn. I was also chatting to him happily with no sign of displeasure from him. 

I had woke up at 6.45am. In fact I fell off the bed coz I was so tired n lost my balance. I had went to bed at 3.30am last night again getting ready the raw ingredients for baby breakfast. I pump at 7-7.30am. I fed baby at 7.40am. I put him back to sleep and started to steam baby squash n carrot and cook his congee at 8am. 

I went back to try to finish my milk pump At 8-8.30am. I went to kitchen to grind baby food and finish cooking the congee. It was 9.15am. I woke baby n he finall woke at 9.30am while I finish storing the purée. At 9.30am I started feeding him squash oat cereal till 9.45am. 

I changed him and wipe down and was out of house by 10.05am. I met Kelly in landmark at 10.30am grab my Stuff and rushed back home to feed baby. I reached home about 11.30am and that was my only time in asking him to
Hold baby 10mins while I Got his milk.

I told him maid decided she can't cook my lunch. I ask him if he is having lunch home he said no. I said ok n will tell maid I'm using the salmon for lunch. I only asked if he had time to cook my lunch but I said if he was busy it's ok. 

I started feeding baby at 11.50am. I saw my husband getting the rice. I didn't think much of it. 

Baby pooed half way feeding and all I did was to ask him to get a plastic bag when he asked if I needed help. That was all. 

After I cleaned him up, I continued feeding and that was when he shouted a very loud fuck n table slamming. I rushed out with baby thinking he hurt himsf and that's when he started shouting at me saying he can't go gym etc. he can't go to fucking gym n he yell at me. 

I said to him calmly to just go gym n I will do my own lunch. He said no mood now.  He just went on berating me, saying I take up so much of his time. He went on to sarcastically said that I accuse him of not handling stress n he was offended. He said he's doing so much thing. Search for job, look after baby etc. he say he don't understand why he had to spend so much time with baby. 

I have no idea where that outburst came from. In fact after the first time he yelled at me, I had never asked him to care for baby n I did almost everything myself. It was only last 2 days when I was sleep deprived coz baby had nitemares n I didn't hear him cry when he woke in the 4pm cycle n he had to look after him. I was asleep I admit for that 2 hours n I woke up with a start to feed baby but he said he had bathe n fed up. That moment I was very grateful n had said thanks to him n I really appreciate his help. He had said no problem as he knew I was tired. He had did that himself n yet today he BLAME me for wasting his time. I don't get it. On one hand u appear to want to help but deep down u are resentful u need to help. It wasn't like I was shopping or idling and yet he still wanted to shout at me for taking up
His time. His previous 4 hours max in a whole day and that was TOO much for him. How about me? Minus 3hours sleep, and that ocassion 3-4hrs help from him to watch baby while I pump
Milk or prep his meal, wat about those 16hrs i slave without a word? 

I Told him I had apologised way too many times for the one thing I had said like many many months back. That I said he lashing out at me coz he was under stress. He held that against me. Even after I apologised for that during our first fight, However everytime he feel like lashing out he will repeat the same thing like I have never apologised. I said what does he expect from me? Grovel? Kneel down? I said I have already apologised for that one slip n after that I had been very conscious of wat I said ever since. In fact so much so that I don't even say anything back anymore coz it's pointless and he seem to take it as I concede he was right. So wat he wants from me? 

He said I never apologised n I said I did with clear conscience. I said he even apologised back at me once for shouting at me again over the same thing coz he was stressed. He was the one who repeatedly said he was under stressed and I never once said or make reference to it. Yet he turned it around to accuse me of saying things I had never once said. He accused me of saying he was useless n I said I have never ever said that to him. He changed his stance n said I implied. I said I never did and it was him who thought that way. Yet he insisted everything is my help because he see me so busy n feel obliged to help. He said I CANT cope with stress (oh really?) but yet he was the one who always shout at me n I have never started a fight with him. 

I told him then don't help me if u are going to help me. Don't help and then snap at me. I said from now on I will Exoecf him to do anything for baby. Not like he was doing a lot anyway. At most I just have to give up breastfeeding. . He said that's not right either. I said then when am I Suppose to know it's ok to ask him for help and when not to? He never answered me. 

To me, I see him watch movies online, videos or FB etc instead of studying n he tell Me to shut up when I ask Him to study instead don't waste time. He claimed he need to unwind. He said he is tired from only studying from 10pm onwards to 2am. But you expect to do absolutely nothing for baby when u come home at 2 or 3pm? Usually I only see if u have time to watch him while I pump the 5pm session that's like 45mins. 

 And when I'm Too tired n fell asleep without hearing the baby, u choose to look after baby but then u yell at me now for the fact that u had to spend time to Do it. I told him don't help if u r going to be so upset. Don't. Because I will melt down next time when u shout at me again. I said I have tried my best. I know he was tired I even took baby out to buy lunch back for him on Sunday when I'm the one who only slept 3 hours n he had more than 6hrs. 

 I said I don't even ask him to Wash bottles coz I know he's busy. I said I dunno how else more I can do short of completely treating him as invisible. He has no answer for me. I said he hardly even thank me for good job or trying. All I
Hear is waves n waves of criticism and accusation. 

I said it's his long job search that's causing him stress n there's nothing I can help him with on that. How many wife will not even contest the sale of our apartment proceeds to go 100% to him with a million profit? Despite everything I spend effort in caring for the house I get not a penny n I didn't even say anything because I thought marriage was joint sharing n he needs the money more since he is jobless. Instead of seeing it as me being understanding he took it for granted that I shouldn't get a penny from the sale proceeds. 

I'm tired. Tired of him being unreasonable n lashing at me. 

His relative SMS me to ask me why isn't he helping me more and looks like I'm doing everything. I didn't know wat to say. Tell the truth? No. I just say he's busy with his chinese class. What else can I say? I'm even too tired to talk to anyone to let off steam. In fact I don't even have time. 

He implied I'm useless. He said he don't understand why I need so Much help from other people. I don't know wat he meant by that. The maid does housework n cooking. I did everything else. Who is the many help he referring to? When did I ask anyone else? Even his sisters have his mum to run to. Who can I run to for moments I need to sleep? No one. If he don't want to offer his time let me have abit of sleep time, then I don't get any but he is all so wrap up about himself that he has never put himself in my shoes. 

He even expect me to plan something for his birthday. He seem displeased that I have no energy left to hunt for restaurant that will accommodate him his folks n baby. He still wanted to dine out for dinner but I had to say no. Lunch at best with baby. Does he understand his lifestyle had to change? No. Very clearly no. He just want a son to play with and that's it. I knew I should never agree to a child though I have no regrets with my boy. I'm sorry u had to see mum n dad argue n mum cry. He turned all quiet n stare at me when I cried. Looking at that expression I had to force myself to stop n smile at him n pretend I'm fine. My husband of course don't give a shit. 

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